Remember when soda companies let you know right off the bat that you didn't win their contest? In ye olden times, I would unscrew the cap, read that I was not a winner, and then carry on with my soda drinking. And even though I was never a winner, they thanked me for playing. I appreciate that. I could just drink my soda without a lingering sense of false hope. Now instead of, "not a winner, thanks for playing," I read "JX933F7"...oh shit! "JX933F7!" That could mean anything!...or nothing! Odds are that I am as much as a loser as I always was, but I have to decode the matrix to find that out. For all I know, I could have discarded a lifetime supply of something.
I own a bed. That's all I know about it. I fall asleep on it and that should be the extent of a bed's purpose (for me, anyway). I am glad I am not in the market to buy a bed today. There are too many options that over-complicate sleeping. A sleep number bed is too much pressure. So let me get this straight...if I don't get a good night's sleep, it's my fault? Just because I couldn't figure out your sleepy-time unit of measurement? A sleep number can range from 5 to 95...what does this number represent? You know why I don't buy furniture from Ikea? Because I have to assemble it. And I can only fuck that up once. I thought there might be a scientific way of discerning your sleep number; nope. You just lay down and mess with the controller. At least that other brand of mattress has "visco-elastic memory cells." I know thats not a real thing, but it sounds scientific and NASA is name-dropped in the commercial. I mean, come on...NASA! They went to space and junk!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Vocab Words....in a sentence
-"Hibiscus"
"Every morning I greet my breakfast; hello toast! wassup eggs! hibiscus!"
-"Amorphous"
"Daddy got laid off at the plant and can't provide A-mor-pho-us."
-"Gelatinous"
"We have to wear knee pads but gelatinous skate without helmets?"
-"benevolent"
"They helped me out benevolent me no money."
-"euthanasia"
"The euthanasia are much smarter than the kids over here."
-"verisimilitude"
"ya know, you look verisimilitude this guy I know."
-"isotope"
"We are always arguin. She say brown and isotope."
-"acquire"
(redneck voice) "Acquire touched my butt!"
-"Pulchritude"
"They says there's diseases in the beef ...and the pulchri-tude!"
"Document"
-"document I is gonna die SOON!?!?"
"syllabus"
-"they need to take all these crack heads, put them on the syllabus and ship em off to crazy land."
"Associate"
-"your cookies are delicious...that other place, their cookies as-SO-ciate!"
or-"lisa thought the cookies were too good...associate dem"
"desirous"
-"ya daisies are comin in fine but desirous just won't bloom."
"cantankerous"
"military dudes know what they doin...you send in the jets to mess up everything and then you cantankerous a dem dudes out...them things are indestructable!"
"Every morning I greet my breakfast; hello toast! wassup eggs! hibiscus!"
-"Amorphous"
"Daddy got laid off at the plant and can't provide A-mor-pho-us."
-"Gelatinous"
"We have to wear knee pads but gelatinous skate without helmets?"
-"benevolent"
"They helped me out benevolent me no money."
-"euthanasia"
"The euthanasia are much smarter than the kids over here."
-"verisimilitude"
"ya know, you look verisimilitude this guy I know."
-"isotope"
"We are always arguin. She say brown and isotope."
-"acquire"
(redneck voice) "Acquire touched my butt!"
-"Pulchritude"
"They says there's diseases in the beef ...and the pulchri-tude!"
"Document"
-"document I is gonna die SOON!?!?"
"syllabus"
-"they need to take all these crack heads, put them on the syllabus and ship em off to crazy land."
"Associate"
-"your cookies are delicious...that other place, their cookies as-SO-ciate!"
or-"lisa thought the cookies were too good...associate dem"
"desirous"
-"ya daisies are comin in fine but desirous just won't bloom."
"cantankerous"
"military dudes know what they doin...you send in the jets to mess up everything and then you cantankerous a dem dudes out...them things are indestructable!"
Rock Hard Facts
-Many people assume that the photographer's battle cry, "say cheese," was cultivated by observing that the word cheese makes us smile. Think about it: have you ever smiled while saying the word cheese (not counting times when you've been hungry for hours and ran across a table of cheese)? The true origins come from France. But they spell it the French way (Cest cheese!), which means "that cheese!" We all know French people love cheese (fact). They will eat cheese out of a dying rhinoceros's asshole (fact). We also know that French people don't smile (fact). The thought of cheese is the only thing that can crack a smile on a French person's face (fact). So, photographers started saying "cest cheese!" to make them smile (yet another fact).
Now, if you said "that cheese" to an American, you'd probably get a "what?" or "where?" from them. That is because Americans are smarter than the French (fact). French people smile at the word "cheese" in the same pavlovian fashion that my dog freaks out when she hears the word "walk." In fact, you have to spell out the word cheese around the French, which is also like my dog...except, Tasha learned what W-A-L-K means because she is smart (for a dog and/or Frenchman).
Now, if you said "that cheese" to an American, you'd probably get a "what?" or "where?" from them. That is because Americans are smarter than the French (fact). French people smile at the word "cheese" in the same pavlovian fashion that my dog freaks out when she hears the word "walk." In fact, you have to spell out the word cheese around the French, which is also like my dog...except, Tasha learned what W-A-L-K means because she is smart (for a dog and/or Frenchman).
Word Up
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high....
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Sargasm: An over-exaggerated fake orgasm.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high....
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Sargasm: An over-exaggerated fake orgasm.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Proving Nonsense
-1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
Proof: A sheet of writing paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
-2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
-3. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.
-4. Death comes to no man.
Proof: As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.
Proof: A sheet of writing paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
-2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
-3. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.
-4. Death comes to no man.
Proof: As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.
Fat Physics
Unweaving the paradox of social interaction: Why don't fat people have more friends than the average person?
Newton's universal law of gravitation states that every object in the universe exerts a tug on every other. It's true: the laws of gravitation do not just apply to "the heavenly bodies"...in fact, it is safe to say that it is more a tour de force in those of us with unheavanly bodies.
By this form of reasoning, one would deduce:
Fat person --> More Mass --> more gravitational pull
And yet it seems that larger people, as a rule, have less friends. Though I am certain that a fat person can rely on the quality of their friends, I am talking about quantity and the collective mass of friends without much regard to depth.
Solution!
The answer to this pickle of a paradox brings us right back to Newton. Newton realized that the pull of any two objects is proportional to the mass of each and varies inversely as the square of the distance between them. Put another way, if you double the distance between two objects, the attraction between them becomes four times weaker.
F = Gmm/r^2
I think it is well known that there is an attitude of disdain directed toward the huskier folks of society. There is no need to get into the unjustified reasons for this. It is only important that it be acknowledged.
It is clear that, while bigger people have more mass and thus more gravitational pull...the logistics involving range of vision in reference to the gravity of people proves to be entirely askew. People can see a fat person from far enough away that they are able to avoid the increased force-field of gravity. In relation to the gravity that is pulling us toward earth, gravity of a horizontal nature between other people is negligible. And to add to this; being fatter may increase your gravitational pull, but it also makes you easy to spot.
All in all, I would only recommend getting fat as a side-effect to leading a satisfying life...not as a means of acquiring more friends.
Newton's universal law of gravitation states that every object in the universe exerts a tug on every other. It's true: the laws of gravitation do not just apply to "the heavenly bodies"...in fact, it is safe to say that it is more a tour de force in those of us with unheavanly bodies.
By this form of reasoning, one would deduce:
Fat person --> More Mass --> more gravitational pull
And yet it seems that larger people, as a rule, have less friends. Though I am certain that a fat person can rely on the quality of their friends, I am talking about quantity and the collective mass of friends without much regard to depth.
Solution!
The answer to this pickle of a paradox brings us right back to Newton. Newton realized that the pull of any two objects is proportional to the mass of each and varies inversely as the square of the distance between them. Put another way, if you double the distance between two objects, the attraction between them becomes four times weaker.
F = Gmm/r^2
I think it is well known that there is an attitude of disdain directed toward the huskier folks of society. There is no need to get into the unjustified reasons for this. It is only important that it be acknowledged.
It is clear that, while bigger people have more mass and thus more gravitational pull...the logistics involving range of vision in reference to the gravity of people proves to be entirely askew. People can see a fat person from far enough away that they are able to avoid the increased force-field of gravity. In relation to the gravity that is pulling us toward earth, gravity of a horizontal nature between other people is negligible. And to add to this; being fatter may increase your gravitational pull, but it also makes you easy to spot.
All in all, I would only recommend getting fat as a side-effect to leading a satisfying life...not as a means of acquiring more friends.
Tips on Writing a Suicide Note
A new age has dawned. It is now the era of shared information. A paroxysm of electronic media outlets has been bestowed upon us. Blogging, Tweeting, and Facebook status updating have externalized even the most mundane personal musings. With the panoply of scripted pondering in which we all swim, how does one go about separating true existential angst from the haphazardly typed Twitter re-tweet? I am here to help.
So you want to end it all. I am not here to judge your willingness to follow through. I mean, the fact that you are writing a suicide note calls your commitment into question. If you really wanted to leave this world, you would have already done so and not bothered to leave behind an explanation. I understand; you don't want to just off yourself and leave your motive open to interpretation. And people have to have some type of explanation. You can't just excuse yourself from the world and leave a note saying, "I have to see a man about a dog." You need to leave behind a posthumous proclamation that places guilt accordingly; otherwise, what's the point?
You don't want your suicide note to start off with a cliche line. "by the time you read this, I will be dead" is trite and entirely too dramatic. Suicide is the most dramatic of all actions, but your suicide note should not be overly dramatic. You don't want to be written off as a drama queen. I suggest opening with a lighter greeting. Have some fun with it! Keep in mind that the reader has just discovered a dead body, so there is no need to punctuate the solemness of the situation any further. Here are a list of possible opening lines...
-"Hey! Ya found me!"
-"Weird, I know. Here's the thing..."
-"You're crying, aren't you? I knew it!"
-"WAAZZUUUUP!!!"
If you have a good idea about who will find the note first, feel free to personalize (Ex-"Hey mom, I hope I didn't leave a mess."). However, I recommend maintaining a tone that isn't directed toward anyone in particular. Ideally, you want a complete stranger to be able to appreciate your suicide note.
Now that you have caught your reader's attention with a clever opening line, you are going to want to let them know that you are getting down to business. Start off the body of your suicide note with something like, "For realsies though" or "But for serious, I am totally dead."
You want to make sure not to come off frantic. Perhaps a caveat about how suicide is not the coward's way out. It actually takes serious commitment to follow through. Proper grammar and spelling is a must. No one is going to feel guilty if it seems like you were not of sound mind while writing your suicide letter.
Be concise. Don't spend too much time on one point. Let people know your death is on their hands, but keep them guessing. Brevity carries more weight. Throw in some vague accusations like, "Laura, you know the countless ways in which you tortured me."
Keep things short and sweet. If you try to write a lengthy suicide note that goes into depth about every gripe you have with the world, you will find out that it is a very therapeutic exercise. This is not a good thing. If your letter is too long, you will hash out all of your angst and will likely lose steam when it comes to actually killing yourself. A suicide letter by an author who is still alive is just an emo blog entry. If you want your letter to have any gravitas, you have to be dead.
When it comes to closing, I suggest something with a "fuck you" attitude. Think of the times when you have left a gathering without really saying goodbye, and how everyone was put off by that. Here are some possible closing lines...
-"I think I made my point"
-"If I cared, this would be longer"
-"whatevs"
-"TTYL"
No matter how strong the urge, do not add a P.S. quip. It just looks desperate, and you don't want to seem desperate in a suicide letter.
That's all from me. Now quit lolly-gaggin' and go end your life already!
So you want to end it all. I am not here to judge your willingness to follow through. I mean, the fact that you are writing a suicide note calls your commitment into question. If you really wanted to leave this world, you would have already done so and not bothered to leave behind an explanation. I understand; you don't want to just off yourself and leave your motive open to interpretation. And people have to have some type of explanation. You can't just excuse yourself from the world and leave a note saying, "I have to see a man about a dog." You need to leave behind a posthumous proclamation that places guilt accordingly; otherwise, what's the point?
You don't want your suicide note to start off with a cliche line. "by the time you read this, I will be dead" is trite and entirely too dramatic. Suicide is the most dramatic of all actions, but your suicide note should not be overly dramatic. You don't want to be written off as a drama queen. I suggest opening with a lighter greeting. Have some fun with it! Keep in mind that the reader has just discovered a dead body, so there is no need to punctuate the solemness of the situation any further. Here are a list of possible opening lines...
-"Hey! Ya found me!"
-"Weird, I know. Here's the thing..."
-"You're crying, aren't you? I knew it!"
-"WAAZZUUUUP!!!"
If you have a good idea about who will find the note first, feel free to personalize (Ex-"Hey mom, I hope I didn't leave a mess."). However, I recommend maintaining a tone that isn't directed toward anyone in particular. Ideally, you want a complete stranger to be able to appreciate your suicide note.
Now that you have caught your reader's attention with a clever opening line, you are going to want to let them know that you are getting down to business. Start off the body of your suicide note with something like, "For realsies though" or "But for serious, I am totally dead."
You want to make sure not to come off frantic. Perhaps a caveat about how suicide is not the coward's way out. It actually takes serious commitment to follow through. Proper grammar and spelling is a must. No one is going to feel guilty if it seems like you were not of sound mind while writing your suicide letter.
Be concise. Don't spend too much time on one point. Let people know your death is on their hands, but keep them guessing. Brevity carries more weight. Throw in some vague accusations like, "Laura, you know the countless ways in which you tortured me."
Keep things short and sweet. If you try to write a lengthy suicide note that goes into depth about every gripe you have with the world, you will find out that it is a very therapeutic exercise. This is not a good thing. If your letter is too long, you will hash out all of your angst and will likely lose steam when it comes to actually killing yourself. A suicide letter by an author who is still alive is just an emo blog entry. If you want your letter to have any gravitas, you have to be dead.
When it comes to closing, I suggest something with a "fuck you" attitude. Think of the times when you have left a gathering without really saying goodbye, and how everyone was put off by that. Here are some possible closing lines...
-"I think I made my point"
-"If I cared, this would be longer"
-"whatevs"
-"TTYL"
No matter how strong the urge, do not add a P.S. quip. It just looks desperate, and you don't want to seem desperate in a suicide letter.
That's all from me. Now quit lolly-gaggin' and go end your life already!
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