Andy Sandford's Guide To Dating

The dating game is a full contact sport, and if you don’t know the X’s and O’s, you will never leave the bench. The singles scene is like a curling match: cold and confusing with an indecipherable scoring system…and there’s a lot of yelling. All the clever sports analogies in the world could not throw a hail Mary pass long enough to convert a first down on the long and perplexing field where love is the end zone.

Fret not, weary bachelors and female bachelors: I am here to help. I have compiled a compilation of the most important dating guidelines that have ever been compiled in a compilation. These 3 simple rules will keep your hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel of dating etiquette… which maneuvers the short bus of courtship… which is speeding along the highway to happiness…or something like that. So buckle up, you big retard.

Rule 1: Be Yourself…Unless You Are Not Very Interesting

-Take a good look at yourself and identify your faults. These faults help shape your personality and add up to the complex and unique individual that no one wants to fuck. Always remember: you are not that interesting and your quirks are not endearing. Start telling people that you like “all kinds” of music, and that your political views tend to “gravitate toward the middle.” If asked about religion, say that you “only know that you don’t know,” and “just try to be a good person.” You will find that you have a lot in common with most people you meet. By pretending to be the person you think everyone will like, you will eventually meet that special someone who is pretending to be the person that is the perfect match for the person you are pretending to be, and that is a key step toward pretending to be happy.

Rule 2: Be Very Good Looking

-Beauty is only skin deep, but it means everything. Studies have shown that most people want to have sex with attractive people. Without looks, no one will ever get to know about the person you are pretending to be. It is much easier to like an attractive person, so you’ll be making it hard on yourself if you choose to be ugly. Just remember to tell others that looks aren’t important to you, because that is part of pretending to be nice; and people usually pretend to like people just for pretending to be nice.

Rule 3: Have (or pretend to have) a Sense of Humor

-It is a fact that women and men alike tell other people that “sense of humor” is the most important quality in a mate. This, of course, is complete balderdash. The term itself doesn’t imply that a person is funny, or even that a person is keen on picking up subtle wit…it simply means that a person has the ability to sense that humor is in their midst. It is entirely too vague a term to actually be important. Saying that sense of humor is important is like saying saying sense of smell is important: almost everyone has that sense, and if they don’t, they have some weird kind of disability and no one would ever think to date them anyhow. That being said, what IS important is that everyone says a sense of humor is important. Basically, just remember to laugh periodically when people tell a joke. You can tell that a joke has been said by noticing that a person has just finished saying words and is looking at you expectantly, and vulnerable. Let them know that you think they are funny, even though you weren’t listening. Let out a chuckle and say “I know, right?” It pretty much always works half of the time.

In Conclusion: Ok, we’re done here.

Nothing is Simple

Remember when soda companies let you know right off the bat that you didn't win their contest? In ye olden times, I would unscrew the cap, read that I was not a winner, and then carry on with my soda drinking. And even though I was never a winner, they thanked me for playing. I appreciate that. I could just drink my soda without a lingering sense of false hope. Now instead of, "not a winner, thanks for playing," I read "JX933F7"...oh shit! "JX933F7!" That could mean anything!...or nothing! Odds are that I am as much as a loser as I always was, but I have to decode the matrix to find that out. For all I know, I could have discarded a lifetime supply of something.

I own a bed. That's all I know about it. I fall asleep on it and that should be the extent of a bed's purpose (for me, anyway). I am glad I am not in the market to buy a bed today. There are too many options that over-complicate sleeping. A sleep number bed is too much pressure. So let me get this straight...if I don't get a good night's sleep, it's my fault? Just because I couldn't figure out your sleepy-time unit of measurement? A sleep number can range from 5 to 95...what does this number represent? You know why I don't buy furniture from Ikea? Because I have to assemble it. And I can only fuck that up once. I thought there might be a scientific way of discerning your sleep number; nope. You just lay down and mess with the controller. At least that other brand of mattress has "visco-elastic memory cells." I know thats not a real thing, but it sounds scientific and NASA is name-dropped in the commercial. I mean, come on...NASA! They went to space and junk!

Vocab Words....in a sentence

-"Hibiscus"

"Every morning I greet my breakfast; hello toast! wassup eggs! hibiscus!"

-"Amorphous"

"Daddy got laid off at the plant and can't provide A-mor-pho-us."

-"Gelatinous"

"We have to wear knee pads but gelatinous skate without helmets?"

-"benevolent"

"They helped me out benevolent me no money."

-"euthanasia"

"The euthanasia are much smarter than the kids over here."

-"verisimilitude"

"ya know, you look verisimilitude this guy I know."

-"isotope"

"We are always arguin. She say brown and isotope."

-"acquire"

(redneck voice) "Acquire touched my butt!"

-"Pulchritude"

"They says there's diseases in the beef ...and the pulchri-tude!"

"Document"

-"document I is gonna die SOON!?!?"

"syllabus"

-"they need to take all these crack heads, put them on the syllabus and ship em off to crazy land."

"Associate"

-"your cookies are delicious...that other place, their cookies as-SO-ciate!"
or-"lisa thought the cookies were too good...associate dem"

"desirous"

-"ya daisies are comin in fine but desirous just won't bloom."

"cantankerous"

"military dudes know what they doin...you send in the jets to mess up everything and then you cantankerous a dem dudes out...them things are indestructable!"

Rock Hard Facts

-Many people assume that the photographer's battle cry, "say cheese," was cultivated by observing that the word cheese makes us smile. Think about it: have you ever smiled while saying the word cheese (not counting times when you've been hungry for hours and ran across a table of cheese)? The true origins come from France. But they spell it the French way (Cest cheese!), which means "that cheese!" We all know French people love cheese (fact). They will eat cheese out of a dying rhinoceros's asshole (fact). We also know that French people don't smile (fact). The thought of cheese is the only thing that can crack a smile on a French person's face (fact). So, photographers started saying "cest cheese!" to make them smile (yet another fact).

Now, if you said "that cheese" to an American, you'd probably get a "what?" or "where?" from them. That is because Americans are smarter than the French (fact). French people smile at the word "cheese" in the same pavlovian fashion that my dog freaks out when she hears the word "walk." In fact, you have to spell out the word cheese around the French, which is also like my dog...except, Tasha learned what W-A-L-K means because she is smart (for a dog and/or Frenchman).

Word Up

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high....

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Sargasm: An over-exaggerated fake orgasm.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Proving Nonsense

-1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Proof: A sheet of writing paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

-2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

-3. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.

Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

-4. Death comes to no man.

Proof: As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.

Fat Physics

Unweaving the paradox of social interaction: Why don't fat people have more friends than the average person?

Newton's universal law of gravitation states that every object in the universe exerts a tug on every other. It's true: the laws of gravitation do not just apply to "the heavenly bodies"...in fact, it is safe to say that it is more a tour de force in those of us with unheavanly bodies.

By this form of reasoning, one would deduce:

Fat person --> More Mass --> more gravitational pull

And yet it seems that larger people, as a rule, have less friends. Though I am certain that a fat person can rely on the quality of their friends, I am talking about quantity and the collective mass of friends without much regard to depth.

Solution!

The answer to this pickle of a paradox brings us right back to Newton. Newton realized that the pull of any two objects is proportional to the mass of each and varies inversely as the square of the distance between them. Put another way, if you double the distance between two objects, the attraction between them becomes four times weaker.

F = Gmm/r^2

I think it is well known that there is an attitude of disdain directed toward the huskier folks of society. There is no need to get into the unjustified reasons for this. It is only important that it be acknowledged.

It is clear that, while bigger people have more mass and thus more gravitational pull...the logistics involving range of vision in reference to the gravity of people proves to be entirely askew. People can see a fat person from far enough away that they are able to avoid the increased force-field of gravity. In relation to the gravity that is pulling us toward earth, gravity of a horizontal nature between other people is negligible. And to add to this; being fatter may increase your gravitational pull, but it also makes you easy to spot.

All in all, I would only recommend getting fat as a side-effect to leading a satisfying life...not as a means of acquiring more friends.